Why do I despise my Dad?

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desire10
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Why do I despise my Dad?

Post by desire10 » 24 Apr 2011, 02:55

Heres some background info - When I was only 1 years old, my Mum and Dad split up. I'm nearly 15 now, I have a step-dad, and my natural Father lives an hour away. He's got nothing in common with me, at all. He's also a pensioner, living off government funds because he has a slight mental problem which he makes the most of to squeeze every penny he can. He eats awful, over-weight, smokes at will. It's pretty awful that I talk about him like this to be honest, but I'm literally just describing him.

He's visiting down now, as he does every holidays. I just can't stand being around him, I don't know why. I'm always uncontrollably rude to him, answering back sarcastically and being a dick. When I go to the oval to train my parents make me feel guilty for not spending time with him. I've had to go to the movies with him to make up for this, which was depressing.
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arsenalfc08
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Post by arsenalfc08 » 24 Apr 2011, 03:22

I'm guessing its because you don't really know him. You see him on the outside (smoking, eating bad, overweight) but you don't know the real him (kinda cheesy I know).

If he and your mom split up when you were 1 and you only see him during holidays then I can see why you are distant. I'm guessing you are close with your step father and perhaps consider him more of a father than your biological one?

Like it or not your biological dad is your father. You don't have to be best friends with him but at the end of the day he is your real dad. He seems to be making an effort to come see you, even if it is only on holidays, at least try to be nice about it. I'm not saying you have to do it right away, or overnight but at least think about it.

I kind of know where you are coming from but opposite situation. I'm not close to my step mom at all. My dad remarried and its just honestly really difficult to see him with anyone else but my mom. At first I was like you, being sarcastic, rude, not interested, etc. Its gotten a little better know but its still difficult.

Wow this is getting long lol so I'll end it.

desire10
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Post by desire10 » 24 Apr 2011, 03:25

arsenalfc08 wrote:I'm guessing its because you don't really know him. You see him on the outside (smoking, eating bad, overweight) but you don't know the real him (kinda cheesy I know).

If he and your mom split up when you were 1 and you only see him during holidays then I can see why you are distant. I'm guessing you are close with your step father and perhaps consider him more of a father than your biological one?

Like it or not your biological dad is your father. You don't have to be best friends with him but at the end of the day he is your real dad. He seems to be making an effort to come see you, even if it is only on holidays, at least try to be nice about it. I'm not saying you have to do it right away, or overnight but at least think about it.

I kind of know where you are coming from but opposite situation. I'm not close to my step mom at all. My dad remarried and its just honestly really difficult to see him with anyone else but my mom. At first I was like you, being sarcastic, rude, not interested, etc. Its gotten a little better know but its still difficult.

Wow this is getting long lol so I'll end it.
Thanks mate :)
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expert
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Post by expert » 25 Apr 2011, 12:06

Pretty interesting topic. I don't want to get as personal as arsenalfc08, but I kind of understand where you're coming from. :)
I also have relatives that I don't find particularly pleasant to hang out with but I try to care and listen to them.
It just doesn't make sense to hang onto resentment towards other people.
This sounds like a simple idea but to actually feel this way takes a lot of emotional maturity.

panchester07
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Post by panchester07 » 25 Apr 2011, 14:50

I've had a lot of problems with my Dad.. Basically with him being such a control freak, to a point where its extremly annoying and tiring, but I've learnt to manage it.... I realized (a time i was high lol) that all the things that he does, he actually does it for me, because he wants whats best for me.. Bitching at me for my room and making me feel bad for it, sure its annoying as fu**, but he wants me to be an organized person, bitching at me for b's, all that is to make me better.... I know it sounds normal but it was way over the top, and his scolding manner is in a way that he kind of makes me feel like sh*t, "i've told you so many times, how can you not understand? you need to get it right!! focus!!" .. Realy made me mad.

Your problem is totally different, u seem to be dissapointed with your dad, and how he just decided to sit back and live off the government's money... But trust me its a reall delicate issue, and its really sad, but believe me that the first person that feels like crap about it is your dad. I don't think he looks at himself in the mirror and gets happy for what he is either. I know you think he would do something to change his lifestyle if he weren't happy, but maybe he has the true belief that he can't and that he's handicap.. Which is very delicate and sucks a lot.

The best thing you can do is love your dad, outside that ugly fat smoking crust you see, theres a nervous, anxious, worried guy that lost control of his life and deep down is sad about it, even though you can't see it, analyze it.. Why would he it so much? People that eat that way have anxiety problems. Why woud he smoke to much? Nicotine relaxes him for a few minutes and he's already addicted. The man has a thousand problems, and needs support. And even though you think he doesn't deserve it you should give him some support. You might be one of the last things he has in his life. If you can, start motivating him to be somebody, and get him into a religion or something, it really changes people and gives people's life a meaning, yeah I know its really cheezy, but finding God will make life's take 180 degree turns.

My mom smokes a lot, and right now is eating more than normal, and i would be stupid to get mad at her for it. Cause I know she's going through hard problems in her life, and needs support from her loved ones to get out of them.

PS: Out of curiousity if its not to much of a bother, what mental disorder does your dad have? I'm just interested in this topic and how it affects people, and how some people with mental conditions till are succesful, yeah i know its weird..
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arsenalfc08
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Post by arsenalfc08 » 25 Apr 2011, 15:28

I think you should try, slowly, to be nice to him. As I said before you don't have to do it overnight, gradually.

He's coming to see you maybe 2-3 times a year its not a lot but its something. Some people don't see their real dads at all, their dads aren't interested in them or don't even know their kids exist (literally).

You don't have to go see him any other time if you don't want to. Again he is taking time to come and see you and however you feel about him right now I do hope you can appreciate the fact that he is making an effort.

Have you talked to your mom and step dad about it? Or just your mom at least? Sometimes its just nice to talk about it. Perhaps you should discuss it with your mom.

p793
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Post by p793 » 25 Apr 2011, 16:43

Man I feel your pain, but I don't know what advice to give you. Just try and talk to those close to you about it...This is going to be long but feel free to read my story.
When I was 12-15 I lived with just my Dad and barely seen my Mum due to her working away. from the ages of 11-13 I used to end up staying awake till 12 or later listening to my Dad and Step Mom, figthing, using disgusting lanuage to one another, you get the picture..I think they thought I was asleep but I just used to lay awake listening to it, I can actually remember one time where I sat at the top of the stairs for a few hours listening to them downstairs, and then ran back to my room when I heard the door open.
They eventually divorced and I didn't understand this but my Dad took it really badly. He became an alcoholic when I was 13-15 and I missed out on a sh*t load of things. I was too embarresed to invite friends from school over because he used to get so drunk and pass out in the conservatory, and every night i'd stay up confused as to why he was acting like it..so I used to go to school every day tired and getting told off for not doing homework, blah blah.
I actually once thought he was diabetic because he used to drink, and also eat sh*t loads, so when I came in from practice id see him passed out with food on him..I realise now that obviously wasnt true but I just couldnt accept he was an alcholic.
The sh*tty thing about the whole thing was, I didn't tell anybody. I kept it all in, I seen my mum twice a week and she'd be like "hii, how's life, hows your dad (im sure she knew something was up) and I just used to say..i'm fine and move on.
My brother and sister had just moved out too to travel around the world together, so I was in this by myself, and nobody knew anything was wrong, and I think my dad forgot about it the next day.
One day after playing sh*t loads of football I was tired and watching the Football on TV, it was about 11:30 at night and my dad was meant to be at a wedding party, luckily my sister was home, because what happened next would be diffucult for anyone to take. Nevermind a 15 year old. The doorbell rang and as I opened it I see two police officers, they explained my dad had been in a car crash, I feared the worst, and they wanted to know if I'd seen him.
We rang his mobile over and over, he didn't get home till about 2 am and he had cuts all over his head, he was completely hammered and was a compulsive liar. Alcohol can be a disgusting substance at times... My sister and I asked where he'd been and he completely lied and said he'd walked home from the party, my sister broke into tears and told him police had been, he then told us to f off to bed and walked to his room...
Next day, he claims he was sober and was in denial about the past 5 years of his life. He said "I seen a rabbit so i swerved and crashed my car"
But at least my family knew what I was going through now, my sister wrote him a letter and my brother too. It's the only way he'd listen, when we spoke to him he denied everything and made up lies for everything we said. My brother came home and my dad spoke to us all, he apologised for everything, he was in tears, he said he knew he fu**ed up..blah blah, he was going to change everything, get help, tell his mother and come clean. Next day I bring it up and he then says "i'm not an alcoholic" even though he addmitted it the night before. It was a losing battle with him so I thought fu** it..I don't give a fu** about you anymore, i'll live in the same house as you but I'm not gunna give one tenth of a fu** about what happens to your life. Waste it if you want. He didn't get medical help but i'm pretty sure he's sober now, but he's changed person, before the alcohol he was always intrested in me, had a postive outlook on life etc. Now he's ultra negative and pessimistic, everything he says I can't help but giving harsh and sarcy remarks and make him feel like sh*t..Our friendship still hasnt rebuilt. The only thing I speak to him about is football. Don't think we've spoke about anything else in the last year. But this is also down to me, when he tried to make convo I shoot him down, without even thinking aboout it, i just have so much anger towards him. I can understand his problems now, I accept that he was depressed, and in a bad way, but having to deal with that pressure is disgraceful for a 11 year old+
my football has been hindered a lot too from it.
I am alot closer to my brother and sister now, my mum too. But I geuss this has made me a lot more individual, I only really care about myself at this moment in time.....Meh I'm still trying to get my hand around the whole thing...This is getting incredibly long now. But I suppose there is always light at the end of the tunnell. My dad does a lot for me, he buys me new things, goes out his way for me, makes me food, does pretty much everything for me, but i just find it extremely diffucult to forgive him for the past and move on.

If you can write your opinion on my sitatuion id be greatful.. thanks

desire10
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Post by desire10 » 25 Apr 2011, 23:23

Wow thanks guys, and thanks for sharing that p793 it was really deep and has given me a lot to think about.

My Dad is leaving this morning (by train because he doesn't have a license, nor a car), but I'll think about my treatment towards him for the next time he visits. Thanks.
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